After being flattened by New Orleans defenders in a 30-13 loss, Bears quarterback Jay Cutler was mistaken for a giant sticker affixed to the Superdome turf a few hours after the game.

“I was cleaning the turf like normal, then I saw this big decal of a Bears player on the 40-yard line,” said Bob Benson, a Superdome staffer. “At first I thought it was one of those Fathead things. Then I heard a weak voice begging for help.”

Cutler, who was sacked five times and hit on a few dozen other occasions, was then carefully peeled off the turf with a giant razor blade. He will be sent back to Chicago in a large FedEx box, where he will be evaluated by medical staff once he regains some “depth and dimension.”

“I hope he’s okay,” said offensive coordinator Mike Martz. “I’ve got a ton more empty sets I’d like him to run next week.”

Heckler George