Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing in only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 Detroit Lions Matt Stafford stays upright, passes for 305 yards/3TD and Deet-troit wins first opener since 1987 (the year I starred in Predator).

9 – Baltimore Ravens I officially dub Ray Lewis the NFL Master of Disaster. I think Baltimore’s “D” had 43 takeaways and beat down “Big Ben” to the point he couldn’t even think of assaulting a waitress after the game.

8 – Houston Texans Made Peyton Manning look like Kerry Collins. Huh? That was Kerry Collins? That boy better get back on the sauce instead of ballin’ any more.

7 – San Diego Chargers Held Donovan McNabb to 39 yards passing in 24-17 win. Hope the Vikings still have Brett Favre’s phone # (just don’t open any photos he texts!)

6 – New York Jets Generously accepted the usual assortment of Tony Romo turnovers to erase a 14-point fourth quarter deficit. Here we go!

5 – Green Bay Packers Objectively I must mention the Packers, to maintain the integrity of this column. I hate the Packers as much as I hated Ivan Drago.

4 – Buffalo Bills I had some delicious Buffalo wings while watching this game with my studio co-host Marv Levy. Granted, we’re not televised but we’re 10 times better than those chumps hosting CBS. Shannon Sharpe, my brother, you gotta take your mouth guard out on the air.

3 – New England Patriots Tom Brady had those ‘fish defenders squawking around like those chickens me and Sly chased to get in shape for Rocky.

2 – Chicago Bears Brian Urlacher, you played like a young Carl Weathers (Int, fumble return for a TD).

1 – Oakland Raiders Sebastian Janikowski ties my Oakland record with a 63-yard field goal in win over Denver. Nice. Next time try it with your eyes closed (like I did).

Patrick O. Elia