In an effort to avoid a repeat of Friday night’s dry sod fiasco, Soldier Field GM Tim LeFevour immediately hired a 14-year-old “Sprinkler-Turner-Onner” to make sure the field is properly watered throughout 2011.

“There are so many things groundskeepers have to remember when keeping a grass field properly maintained,” he said. “Forgetting to water it was bound to happen. But now that we have Billy here, we can all focus on whatever else we’re supposed to be doing to earn our paychecks.”

Billy Markum, 14, lives next door to LeFevour and is said to be extremely responsible, making him the perfect candidate to turn the Soldier Field sprinklers on and off every day.

“Plus he only charges like $10 to mow backyards, so maybe we can get him to cut the grass every once in a while, since that’s something else we seem to struggle with as a staff,” said LeFevour.

Heckler George