In one underhanded swoop, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell erased any perceived union gains made during this summer’s lockout by fining all players a total of $1 billion for missing what should have been the first few days of training camp.

“This is a no-nonsense league,” said Goodell who fined each of the league’s nearly 1,700 players — many of whom are unsigned or have recently been cut — roughly $588,000 a piece. “And we can’t have our players taking their commitment to training camp lightly so we have to punish them where it hurts.”

Players were understandable upset by the sizable fine, and blamed the NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith for being duped by Goodell and the owners.

“Man, this is complete crap,” said Bengals wideout Chad Ochocinco. “How am I supposed to pay for the Rolls Royce I just bought when the Big Commish is stealing all my money?”

Idea submitted by Brian Berns