The Republican-controlled Congress and President Obama are divided over raising the debt ceiling necessary to fund the North American team of 350 million players for the upcoming season. While both sides agree that the team is operating over budget, they cannot agree on how to bridge the gap between their revenue and operating cost.

House Speaker John Boehner refuses any budget that proposes to increase the tax burden on the rich, reduce military spending and move Derek Jeter from the shortstop position. The Republicans, including those who got elected from the support of the Tea Party and the Raider Nation, want a reduction in the Social Security program, removal of welfare payments on the poor, and a long-term contract for Nnamdi Asomugha. However, Obama insists that United States of America has to find new sources of revenue, including increasing ticket prices to those who are best able to pay them. Furthermore, he states, “We cannot continue to raise the age for retirement benefits. Do you really think Brett Favre wants to continue playing well past his golden years? He should be playing with his grandchild instead of sending out resumes to 32 organizations for gainful employment.”

While both sides are willing to make some concessions to end its lockout, neither side is budging on Mets shortstop Jose Reyes. The Republicans want to trade him to the highest bidder, like the Boston Red Sox, Manchester United or Exxon Mobil. But Democrat Nancy Pelosi insists that Reyes and Stanford senior Andrew Luck are untradeable because “we cannot mortgage the future to fund our excesses of today.” A recent proposal from Harry Reid that would have bundled Reyes, Yao Ming and Alfonso Soriano to Beijing for $5 billion in five-year treasury bills took a big hit when the 7-foot, 6-inch Ming announced his retirement even though he was still 35 years away from receiving state-provided retirement benefits.

If both sides cannot come to an agreement by the July 31st deadline, the U.S. government will hire AmeriDebt to settle their outstanding debt “for pennies on a dollar” and trade the entire Miami Heat to Venezuela for 5 million barrels of Citgo oil.