Football’s billionaire owners and millionaire players breathed a collective sigh of relief today as they came to terms on what they believe is the best way to split up your hard-earned money.
“The negotiations were pretty heated there for a while,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We’re glad to get some money flowing in again because a few of the owners were down to the last billion in their tax-free offshore accounts, which meant they would have had to tap into their emergency lightly taxed billion-dollar hedge fund accounts in the States and no one wanted that.”
Goodell explained that when it was all said and done, the uber-rich owners and super-rich players worked together to sign a new collective bargaining agreement that most effectively carves up the hard-earned money you and millions of other fans cough up every day to fuel the economic juggernaut that is the NFL.
“At first we were talking about going 70-30 on the money you spend on things like season tickets instead of things like your son’s braces,” said Goodell. “But then the mostly billionaire owners gave in a little and we decided it was best to split ticket revenue 65-35 and go 50-50 on the $175 you work nearly an entire day for only to blow on the jersey of a player who will most likely be around for a season or two until suffering a career-ending knee injury or concussion.”
Even though the players unanimously approved the deal, some insiders feel the owners got the much better end of the labor dispute. NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith claims he’s not letting that phase him.
“We’re in the middle of a terrible economic downturn,” said Smith. “And somehow we’re still getting millions of dollars from middle class fans in a country battling double-digit unemployment. You tell me who the real loser is.”