After a brief lockout, NFL owners and players have struck a new labor accord that is expected to be ratified this week. The full text has not been revealed, but The Heckler has confirmed the following deal points:

• Players must have served jail time to be eligible for Comeback Player of the Year

• Like MLB batting cages, all locker rooms to install gun ranges

• Team tattoo artist to be added to athletic training staff

• Fines for illegal hits only handed out if someone is decapitated

• Mandatory healthcare programs for players’ crazy baby mamas

• Each team gets their own Kardashian for “morale purposes”

• Instead of Charmin, locker room toilets to have roll of hundred dollar bills

• NFC West teams get 10-point “head start” in non-divisional games, just to make things fair

• NFC North stadiums must make seats 6 inches wider to accommodate visiting Packers fans

• Insulting Tom Brady’s hair is a 5-yard penalty. Pulling Clay Matthew’s hair is okay because he likes it

• Teams are no longer forced to travel to Buffalo or Detroit. These games are now played in the visiting team’s home stadium

• Champagne room to be installed in each football team’s clubhouse. Players get access M-Th, owners Fri-Sun