After he arrived home for a visit during the Minor League All-Star break, Tyler Colvin’s family noticed a significant change in the embattled Cubs prospect — his height.
“Tyler was already a big boy at 6’3”,” said Colvin’s mother. “But when he walked into the kitchen last weekend the ceiling fan nearly gave him a haircut! And you can’t tell a fan set on high to take just a little off the back.”
Subsequent measurements showed Colvin’s new height to be 6’6”.
Colvin, 25, claims that he hadn’t grown since his initial call-ups with the club. The outfielder has noted no other changes in his own behavior, other than being allowed to play baseball every day.
“I did eat an entire tub of okra last night,” said Colvin. “Is that weird? I’m starving all the time, now, but I thought that just went along with actual physical activity. Honestly, I don’t remember what it’s like.”
Colvin’s batting average plummeted to .105 early this season after getting only 95 at-bats, playing even less than last year. In fact, several times cameras spotted teammates squirting Colvin with water bottles as he literally wilted on the bench. While in the minors he has fared much better.
“I didn’t notice the height,” said Triple-A coach Bill Dancy. “I thought he suddenly decided to be one of those guys who wears his socks real high. That happens all the time here.”
Hearing that they may have literally stunted their outfielder’s physical growth, the Cubs stuck to the company line.
“Our official stance is that having too many outfielders is a ‘good problem to have,’” said Cubs chairman Crane Kenney. “And you can’t say that they’re not being put to work. In fact, if you look over in section 202, you’ll find Lou Montanez serving refreshing Bud Light, a beverage that has amazing drinkability. Ask him about it.”
By Dan Bradley