The status quo isn’t working. Call it injuries. Call it a case of the Hendrys. But whatever you call it, it’s time for the baseball people to step aside and let the seagulls give it a shot. We’d turn this franchise around faster than a pretzel goes stale once it’s out of that heated display case.
10 Ways A Seagull GM Would Fix The Cubs
10. Jim Hendry is not a seagull. Duh.
9. Instead of just signing washed up players, we’d sign them, eat them, and regurgitate them into nutrient-rich slurry for the rookies to enjoy.
8. Len Kasper required to add “well, relatively speaking” after claiming an at-bat or out was “really big.”
7. We bring back the towel drill. Only this time, it’s used to spank Cubs hitters who ground out to short on the first pitch.
6. Seventh Inning Stretch replaced by Seventh Inning Practice On Your Fundamentals For A Change.
5. David Kaplan not allowed to gush over team’s 2-6 road trip.
4. Aramis Ramirez forced to go back in time and get a hit or two in May.
3. Players must share pre-game buffet with fans, who in turn must share with the GM.
2. Replace Mike Quade with that nice lady who feeds us stale bread in the park. She can’t be any worse.
1. You pitched poorly? You get an early shower…of poop!