The White Sox hung on for a 4-3 win over the Cubs at U.S. Cellular Field Wednesday night, finally securing what everyone agrees is a rivalry-settling victory, ending more than a century of bitter hatred between the two teams and their fan bases.

“Following this monumental one-run, rather flukey defeat of the Cubs that now gives the White Sox a five-game all-time advantage, I’m relieved we can all name our club the better of the two in this seemingly never-ending struggle of good versus evil,” said White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf. “Plus, we’re inching closer to retaining the BP Cup, which is great because I was concerned I’d need to find a new ashtray for my office.”

Much-maligned Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was reluctant to concede victory to his South Side rivals, but eventually came around.

“I’ve had my fair share of struggles since taking over this cursed franchise,” said Ricketts. “So if I have to give up on some bogus rivalry against a franchise that if not for a random World Series win six years ago wouldn’t be fit to clean the mud off my shoes, we’ll so be it.”

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