In a rare move of solidarity, the four major sports leagues have banded together to pass a national mandate requiring all professional athletes to have their mouths sewn shut at the signing of their first contract.
The commissioners of the NBA, MLB, NFL and NHL unanimously decided that for the betterment of sports and society as a whole, athletes should no longer be allowed to speak. Ever.
“Back in the old days you had a Lou Gehrig’s impassioned speech at Yankee Stadium or Muhammad Ali speaking out against the Vietnam War to an angry public,” NBA commissioner David Stern said. “But folks like Rashard Mendenhall and Luke Scott have taken freedom of speech to a place that frankly no one wants to go.”
Noted surgeon Dr. James Andrews, who is more known for the words “Tommy John” than Tommy John, has agreed to shift his focus from fixing elbows and knees to surgically sealing the lips of our nation’s finest physical specimens.
Sports fans have reacted unanimously in favor of the idea of a world without taking talents to South Beach or pleading to hear Osama Bin Laden’s side of the story.
Should sewing mouths shut prove successful, the leagues are reportedly considering also severing players thumbs to prohibit them from posting stupid things to Twitter, including ridiculous political statements and accidental genitalia photos intended for groupies and/or wives.
By Gregg Jaffe