Originally posted Feb. 13, 2007

Hoping to spur fan attendance and in-stadium beer sales, the Blackhawks have signed 7-foot goon Charlie “Nutcracker” McGillicuddy to a four-year contract.

“We want Charlie to add a certain leg-breakery to our home games,” said spokesman Tony Omman. “In a recent survey of our fans, ‘more opponent injuries’ and ‘less sucking’ came out as the top two suggested team improvements we feel would spur ticket and merchandise sales.”

Little is known of McGillicuddy’s previous playing experience, and he is unwilling to elaborate on nearly every subject relating to his past, present or future with the team.

When asked what he hoped to bring to the team for the balance of the season, McGillicuddy slowly replied, “Unnnnggghhh!” before jumping over the podium and hurling himself onto the quivering form of the reporter who asked the question.

Should McGillicuddy prove popular with fans, the Hawks are considering adding Russell Crowe,  and three freakishly effective skating gorillas to the roster.

From the January 2007 issue by Alan T. Kercinik. Image by Kurt Evans.