Blackhawks star forward Patrick Kane was once again discovered to have been party to an unfortunate alcohol-related incident in which overindulgence, and this time, an innocent children’s designated play area, was involved. In an apparent effort to erase the memory of his recent abysmal play and to reconnect with his childhood, Kane was found passed out in a McDonald’s Children PlayZone ball pit.

During the team bus’s routine stop at McDonald’s, players noticed something was awry when their star forward was missing. Coach Joel Quenneville then dispatched the team on a recovery mission for Kane, who was eventually found by a disappointed Duncan Keith.

“He looked downright pathetic in that ball pit, ya know?” commented Keith. “I tell ya with all those tears he had cried and those empty beer cans you would have thought he played for the St. Louis Blues.”

Several children dining in McDonald’s at the time noticed Kane in the ball pit, and were a bit nervous about entering. An eight-year-old Tommy O’Sullivan was one such youngster.

“At first I thought he was just in there hanging out,” said O’Sullivan. “But then I saw he was drooling and he smelled like my daddy after he comes back from his nightly visit to the library. It made me sad.”

“Captain Serious” Jonathan Toews didn’t make a formal statement about his teammate’s unfortunate circumstance, but the Hawk training staff commented that he had to be treated for several popped blood vessels in his forehead and was immediately instructed to return to rage counseling once back in Chicago.

By Andy Landgrebe. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte

Andy Landgrebe