In the wake of a breakdown in the NFL labor talks, league commissioner Roger Goodell admits he and the owners could have done more to keep the players at the bargaining table.
“We really should have offered them two yachts apiece instead of just one,” said Goodell. “These guys aren’t stupid. They know the owners have like four or five luxury boats each. Man. Talk about your all-time backfires.”
Union head DeMaurice Smith, speaking on behalf of the league’s players, was openly disgusted.
“They’ll play 18 games. They’ll even waive injury clauses due to concussions. But in no way, shape or form will NFL players agree to single-yacht signing bonuses,” said Smith. “These men are putting their bodies on the line every day. How are they supposed to relax, knowing they don’t have a spare party boat?”
The two sides will now head to court to determine if the players will be locked out, or allowed to play under the existing CBA.
“Of course I’m upset,” said Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis. “This is just like ’87, man. We still aren’t getting our cut of the pie! In fact, I want a damn pie. Made of diamonds with a gold crust that I can serve to any of my many super model girlfriends on that second yacht Roger God Damn Goodell owes me!”