Cubs pitcher and firebrand, Carlos Zambrano, recently declared himself “cured” of all his anger management issues.

“It’s a miracle,” said manager Mike Quade. “I’ve seen other guys work hard through personal problems, injuries, etc. Carlos didn’t do any of that. He just reported to camp cured. And you know what? He is.”

Word of Zambrano’s healing powers got around the Cactus League quickly, and he is now deluged by troubled ballplayers seeking his help. To meet the high demand, Zambrano has started holding daily visitation hours for his fellow players, or “pilgrims,” as he calls them.

“They’re like, ‘Carlos, I’ve got a drinking problem. Help me,’ or ‘Big Z: I can’t get a hit. Bless my bats, please’,” reports Zambrano.

Whether his miraculous powers will be sufficient to lift the Cubs’ 102-year World Series curse remains to be seen, but front office officials are calling reports of a water stain in the form of a smashed Gatorade dispenser in the North Avenue viaduct of the Kennedy Expressway “encouraging.”

By Cary Nathenson

Cary Nathenson