After the string of injuries suffered by Cardinal pitchers Adam Wainwright, Chris Carpenter, and Mitchell Boggs all within the first week of Spring Training, team doctors have determined the cause of such a striking plague to be the Cubs Curse carried over to the team by new infielder Ryan Theriot.

“There’s really no other explanation for it,” said manager Tony La Russa, who immediately began coughing uncontrollably after writing Theriot’s name in the lineup card for Wednesday’s game against the New York Mets in Jupiter, FL.

The peculiarity of Theriot’s presence with the team and the various ailments that seem to accompany it has not been limited to the men in uniform. A team trainer has gone missing since taping Theriot’s jammed finger, and seven employees of the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum, home of the Florida Film & Theater Institute, came down with a severe case of food poisoning after a charity dinner Theriot and other Cardinal players attended there Sunday night.

The team has attempted to quarantine Theriot, but the MLB Players Union filed a grievance with the league, and the quarantine was lifted and instead put on star first baseman Albert Pujols. Sources have said, though, that should talks of Pujols leaving the Cardinals for free agency heat up during the season, he may be forced to room with Theriot on road trips.

By Tim Baffoe

Tim Baffoe