In an effort to shave valuable time from his morning routine, Geovany Soto has turned in his manscaping kit, and possibly earned back his man card. The idea was to leave more time to focus on baseball. But letting his beard grow has brought mixed results.
“Ever since I lost all that weight last year, I’ve been eating nothing but spinach and eggs for breakfast,” said Soto. “But now that I’m full-beard, I can’t stop cracking the eggs against my head and gulping them down raw. I started yelling ‘Chug! Chug!’ yesterday, but nobody was there.”
The new found super-manliness has manifested itself on the field, as well.
“He was crushing balls to all fields during batting practice yesterday,” said hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo. “Suddenly he posed and said that he doesn’t usually play baseball, but when he does, he prefers strikes not thrown by a little girl. I tried to brush him back but the ball just bounced off his beard and over the fence.”
Soto took a true hipster approach to growing the beard: He snapped a photo of it every day for months and posted the montage on YouTube. He has also purchased a large amount of red flannel and various Zach Galifianakis movies. It is apparent, however, that he has not yet fully immersed himself into American hipster music.
“Have you heard of this Arcade Fire?” said Soto. “It sounds like a terrible tragedy.”
Article by Dan Bradley. Photoshop by Kurt Evans.