The White Sox announced a change in their concession stand offerings for the 2011 season by adding a deluxe tattoo station in the upper concourse of U.S. Cellular Field.

“We’re always looking for ways to enhance the fan experience,” said Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf. “And this was far and away the best solution, other than adding unlicensed bare knuckle boxing matches between innings.”

The change was made after an exhaustive marketing study of the stadium’s income sources and fan base.

“We started examining different ways to maximize in-game revenue and thought we’d end up with the usual recommendations of slapping a former player’s name on a hot dog stand or watering down the beer a bit,” said sports marketing consultant Mark Ellison. “But we came to a conclusion that the White Sox demographics called for a unique approach that is equal parts NASCAR and UCF with a dash of backyard fight videos from YouTube thrown in for good measure. The result was an elimination of the Jim Beam club in favor of adding a tattoo parlor.”

The study found that the Jim Beam club was a serious money loser for the team.

“Sure, they have fans that like to drink,” said Ellison. “But when’s the last time you saw a Sox fan pay for top shelf booze without using the bottle as a weapon. The team’s insurance costs were astronomical.”

As a result, the familiar sight of the Jim Beam club behind home plate will likely be filled with exposed body parts getting tattooed. In a related development, the Sox also announced they will not broadcast home games in high-def next year.

The Sox expect to have the parlors opening day and have already hired tattoo artists that specialize in barbed wire arm tattoos, random Chinese symbols with no meaning and an assortment of lower back designs.

“I’m looking forward to the season,” said fan Jimmy Calvin. “I’ve had this great idea of getting Yosemite Sam mud flaps tattooed on the back of my thighs to match the mud flaps on the back of my truck. Unfortunately, they repo’d the truck, but I’d like to see them try and take these flaps when my check bounces.”

By Giles Tellum

Giles Tellum