Jay Cutler today disrupted a crowd of holiday shoppers at Macy’s downtown Chicago, having a complete meltdown that led to Cutler attacking Santa Claus while children in line hoping to meet St. Nick looked on in horror. Cutler grew up in Santa Claus, Ind., the town celebrates Christmas year-round complete with lights, music and images of Santa Claus at every turn. Cutler’s lifetime barrage of Santa Claus idol statues and all things Christmas apparently triggered a traumatic flashback that let to the already unstable quarterback’s breakdown.

“That prick Santa was everywhere growing up,” said Cutler. “He is a bastard, and so is his damn Christmas crap I had to deal with every day.”

Although is was discovered that Cutler’s condition is not completely unusual. Dr. Babe Finklemeyer from Northwestern University’s Department of Psychiatry weighed in on the meltdown.

“Those who are inundated ceaselessly with Santa Claus and Christmas are many times damaged by the experience,” said Dr. Finklemeyer. “Otherwise behaviors could manifest themselves into violent Holiday Hissyfits, not unlike Mr. Cutler’s.”

by Andy Landgrebe

Andy Landgrebe