After Tom Ricketts’ ill-conceived plan to fund the renovation of Wrigley Field failed to gain the support of Illinois legislators, the Cubs chairman was unsure of how he else was going to scam the public out of money to raise the estimated $200 million it’s going to take to repair the aging ballpark. He thought long and hard, but the idea finally came to him to have the entire family dress up as Salvation Army bell-ringers and pocket the money given to them.

“The idea came to me after watching Todd on ‘Under Cover Boss,’” said Ricketts. “He had no problem convincing our employees that he was completely incompetent. If he could do that, I figure our whole family would have no problem convincing people that we were actually collecting money for the poor and homeless.”

Critics of the idea will take this as further proof that Ricketts has no idea how to run a baseball team. First he wanted to claim tax dollars that would go to parks, schools and the police department. Now he is scheming to steal money from the poor and the homeless. Ricketts doesn’t see it that way.

“If they’ve got the money they would probably just spend it on booze,” said a defensive Ricketts. “We’re doing them a favor. And we’ve already given them a giant noodle to sleep under; what more do they want?”

People who are close the Ricketts family say that this behavior is nothing new. On Halloween every year the Ricketts go bag snatching, stealing candy from unsuspecting children. And they constantly leave donation jars bearing images of sick children in gas stations and convenient stores throughout the Chicago land area. Todd Ricketts even used to dress up as a homeless man to collect beer money while in college.

“The bottom line is that we need money to repair Wrigley field,” said Ricketts. “And we’ll try to get money from any man, woman, child, or person in need that we can.”

Michael Kloempken