Following the Big Ten’s decision to use only the west end zone during Saturday’s college football game at Wrigley Field, the Cubs announced they will only allow opponents to hit to right field starting next year.

“At first I was upset when the Big Ten turned this collegiate football game at historic Wrigley Field into a backyard game using only half the field, but then I saw the opportunity for the our ball club,” Cubs president Crane Kenney said. “We’re locked in to [Alfonso] Soriano in left field for a few more years, but if our opponents aren’t hitting his way, the chances of him dropping fly balls or injuring himself while fielding diminish greatly. It’s all about winning games and if we can take the defensive pressure off Soriano, his bat will undoubtedly come alive and produce like we’ve expected him to since signing him for $136 million in 2006.”

In accordance with Major League Baseball’s rule that nine defensive players be on the field, Soriano is expected to take his position in left field during games. Instead of pretending to be a Major League fielder, Soriano will rest comfortably in a lounge chair, which most of the time will be facing the bleachers so he can get in his normal hour per game of posturing for fans.