MThe mayor smiled after the incident, but Thursday morning Jones woke up to find a severed horse head in bed next to him.
“After it happened everyone in the dugout was laughing and saying stuff like ‘Oh man, you better watch out. Daley’s gonna get ya,'” said Jones. “Then I wake up with a chopped-off horse head next to me in bed now I’m all kinds of freaked out.”
Daley was unavailable for comment, but his head of security Frankie “Doughnuts” Gamboski released the following statement:
“When Andruw Jones threw his bat at the Honorable Mayor Richard M. Daley, we perceived that as a threat to hizzoner’s safety. We take threats of this nature very seriously. That being said, I can’t say we were responsible for the horse head being place in Andruw Jones’ bed. At the same time, I can’t say we weren’t either.”
Never one to back down, manager Ozzie Guillen promised to retaliate against the Daley administration
“This sort of [expletive deleted] is bush league,” said Guillen. “It’s bad enough I get parking tickets all the [expletive deleted] time and now the [expletive deleted] mayor goes and puts a [expleted deleted] horse head in Andruw’s bed. That [expletive deleted] is [expletive deleted]. We’ll get that [expletive deleted] back. Don’t you worry.”
Being in the twilight of a career in which he’s made more than $100 million, Jones would much rather duck out of a potentially hostile situation and ride off into the sunset. He’s reportedly considering changing his name and entering the witness protection program.
“I don’t get scared easily,” said Jones. “But playing for the White Sox this season has opened my eyes to the scary underbelly of Chicago’s South Side. I’m out of here. Ozzie will just have to find someone else to bat .200.”