Tuesday’s 2010 All-Star Game in Anaheim will feature Angels mascot “The Rally Monkey” frequently during the festivities throughout the weekend.

This, of course, will require more copious amounts of drugs to help the small animal reach his fever pitch while jumping around and screeching violently. It scares the staff at Angels Field to death, as they are intimately familiar with how these drugs have historically affected Rally Monkey’s volatile mood swings and abusive behavior in past seasons.

“It is an abusive, vile creature since he started using,” said Dr. Melissa Krutter, a licensed zoologist who serves as the mascot’s handler. “He did six lines of coke off a picture of Axl Rose and threw it at me the last time the Angels needed runs.”

Apparently the monkey has also been a nuisance to Angels players like DH Hideki Matsui.

“He’s always stumbling around the clubhouse looking to score,” said Matsui. “One time, after I told him I didn’t have any opium, he bit me.”

Angels outfielder Torii Hunter was appalled when he found out Rally Monkey would be using more to facilitate excitement for the All-Star Festivities.

“That’s just dangerous,” said Hunter. “But if these people want to see what a coked-up monkey looks like throwing mini bottles of Cristal at blonde women, go ahead.”

From the July 2010 issue by Andy Landgrebe. Click here to subscribe today!