Blown call was ‘tragedy the likes of which our city had only seen several hundred times Wednesday’

Fans from across the country are calling for umpire Jim Joyce to be fired after his blown call ruined Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga’s perfect game with two outs in the ninth Wednesday night, marking the worst thing to happen to Detroit in minutes.

“That blown call was a tragedy the likes of which our city had only seen several hundred times Wednesday,” said mayor Detroit Dave Bing from Detroit City Hall, which has fallen in a general state of disrepair. “From murders, deaths and gang warfare to drug addiction, joblessness, homelessness, hunger and much, much more, we had yet another rough day Wednesday and that umpire’s terrible call just added to the list.”

President Obama took time from his busy day Thursday morning to comment on the sadness of the botched call.

“The good people of the still-somewhat-wealthy Detroit suburbs who are somehow able to afford a ticket to a baseball game have dealt with enough hardship to last a lifetime. They do not deserve this travesty,” said Obama, speaking on the record about Detroit for the first time in his presidency. “I have launched a full federal investigation of this controversy and will not rest until it is resolved.”

For his part, Galarraga took the missed chance at a perfect game in stride.

“I am originally from Venezuela,” said Galarraga. “There, we know true hardship. This is just a baseball game. Plus, I’m still young. I’m sure I’ll have many other chances at perfection.”