After a slew of failed BP attempts to stem the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the flow was finally cut off when President Obama called in Blackhawks star goalie Antti Niemi for the government-led “Blocker Save” measure on the team’s day off from the Stanley Cup Finals.
“We’re pleased to announce that a full-scale natural disaster was averted just before the hurricane season hit,” Obama announced. “Our entire nation has Mr. Niemi to thank. As well as Duncan Keith, Brent Seabrook and Brent Sopel, who flopped to their bellies to stop a few million gallons before they could get to Antti.”
BP CEO Tony Hayward initially resisted the Blocker Save proposal.
“Yeah, the guy’s good, but look who he has playing in front of him,” said Hayward. “And the regular season’s one thing. The guy has no experience with offshore oil and, really, it’s a whole different game.”
When first thrown into the coastal waters, Niemi seemed just as surprised as anyone else by the responsibility entrusted to him. But within the first five minutes of duty, he slapped 10 million barrels back into the well with his stick and gloved another 14 million.
A scare arose when the final six million gallons surged at him from his blindside. At that point, he stood on his head, juggled seven flaming chain saws and caught the remainder in his mouth, spitting those back into the well just before BP employees resealed it.
When asked for comment, Blackhawks backup goalie Cristobal Huet simply wept.
From the soon-to-be-published June 2010 issue by John Biederman. Click here to subscribe today!