Plagued by poor play and anonymity, Cubs’ relievers were recently issued a case of red and white “Hello, My Name Is” nametags and a box of fresh black Sharpies to better aid manager Lou Piniella in learning the names of this year’s bullpen when directing scorn for another blown lead.

“With as bad as these no-name guys have been playing, it’s necessary,” said manager Lou Piniella, who once famously called former Cubs reliever Scott Eyre “Stevie.” “How else can I know who I’m yelling at?

“Heck, the only one I know by name is Samardzija and that’s just because Hendry’s got a man crush on him for some reason.”

Owner Tom Ricketts agreed.

“Players and fans are family,” said Ricketts. “Heck, I’d put a nametag on every person who walked into Wrigley if we had enough Sharpies.”

The bullpen also plans to host monthly potlucks with punch and cookies during batting practice as well as a meet and greet for fans to get resume advice.

“It’s super nice of them to reach out to the fans,” said season ticket holder Amy Zimmerman. “I would really like to hear James Russell’s feedback on my resume.”

Fan Justin Hatch said, “It took me four years to forget a name like LaTroy Hawkins, so I’m not sure I want to learn names like Samardzija or Caridad. But why would I want career advice from some dudes who are probably heading to Iowa by June anyway?”

From The Heckler’s April 2010 issue by Marci Van Gilder-Rubin. Click here to subscribe today!