When news out of Canada broke that John Madden was involved in a shirtless photo scandal, many around the country braced for nausea. They were relieved to learn the John Madden in question was the Chicago Blackhawks forward rather than the morbidly obese retired football announcer and coach.

“Good god, we’ve all dodged a bullet,” said ESPN SportsCenter host Scott Van Pelt. “The thought alone of football’s┬áJohn Madden without a shirt is enough to make me wretch.”

A representative of football’s John Madden calmed Americans by saying his client was fully clothed, enjoying retirement and about to dig into another Turkducken.

By Brad Zibung, founder and editor in chief