After Ted Lilly, the Cubs lone All-Star, spent nearly a month on the disabled list with inflammation in his left shoulder recently, GM Jim Hendry decided to take advice from his uncle, car mechanic John Hendry, who suggested the general manager simply piece together a single healthy pitcher from a hodgepodge of healthy limbs from the rest of the staff.
“We have the resources,” the Cubs GM stated in a press conference that sounded eerily like the tag line of the show The Six Million Dollar Man. “We can build him better, stronger, faster, able to endure a higher pitch count than before.”
The new pitcher, who will go by the name “Rylos Lilwells,” will have the throwing arm of Carlos Zambrano, the carpal-tunnel-resistant wrists of Randy Wells, the impossible-to-chip toes of Ted Lilly, and the legs and knees of Ryan Dempster. The notoriously oft-injured Rich Harden was deemed unsalvageable. While the creation of Lilwells will leave the Cubs without starting pitchers for four out of five of each of their remaining games, analysts are still calling the move “smarter than the White Sox’s Jake Peavy trade.”