The Cubs recently unveiled a million-dollar ad campaign that encourages fans to take part in Feb. 20’s single-game ticket sales, an extremely frustrating process that leaves many fans out in the cold after hours in’s “Virtual Waiting Room,” only to find that ticket scalpers across the country somehow miraculously acquired thousands of tickets which have long been sold out.

“We are aware every Cubs fan on the planet knows exactly when tickets go on sale,” said Cubs president Crane Kenney. “But we thought it would be fun to torment fans by providing false hope that they might acquire tickets at our already inflated face values, when in actuality the tickets have long been snapped up by any of our 20,000 season ticket holders and greedy people looking to resell them at a 150 percent profit.

The campaign consists of newspaper, billboard and Internet that feature a pair of players and the famed Wrigley marquee with a unique slogan like “Wrigley Field: Home of coming back from meetings with a sunburn.”

“Usually we just put lots and lots of ads on our marquee, so we thought it might be nice to do an ad with the marquee just to change it up a bit,” said Kenney. “Plus many of these ads encourage people to skip work, which we believe will somehow jumpstart the economy, or at least make us even richer, which is really what it’s all about.'”

heckler editorial staff