The Cubs today announced that famed rockers Elton John and Billy Joel will play a concert at Wrigley Field July 21 and at least one person is extremely excited.

“I’ve driven my car into a lot of things,” said Billy Joel, whose problems with driving under the influence have been well-documented. “But never had I had a chance to drive my car into a historic place like Murphy’s Bleachers just outside Wrigley Field. It’s going to be special.”

Joel said that while most athletes and entertainers arrive at Wrigley in a tour bus, he plans to get totally hopped up on pills prior to his show, get behind the wheel of a very expensive, exotic foreign sports car and drive it directly into Murphy’s front bar at approximately 50 MPH, at which point he’ll get out of the vehicle, dust himself off, say something witty, and order a round of shots from the bartender, should he or she survive the wreck.

Within an hour of the incident, Joel — who was last relevant in the late-’80s — will take the stage with John and sing about two hours worth of songs, including “Piano Man” for the “5 billionth time” as Joel estimates.

heckler editorial staff