The Blackhawks game must have been moved to the dark side of the moon on Monday, as they got beat 4-1 and weren’t even on TV. Perhaps programmers confused fan interest in the Wild with that of the Minnesota Timberwolves?

They played without skates from what I hear. Well, first the bus was late because the pre-team meal had been poisoned, so the guys were seasick the entire game, and sliding on slippers, of course. Because of the missing skates. Unless the radio transmissions were garbled as I was huddled up against it, near the roar of the fireplace.

“We just didn’t play well tonight,” said winger Patrick Sharp. “Can’t blame us, I suppose. We were up against a lot of obstacles.”

Hold on. I bet Kris Versteeg had a bad dream, so Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane made pillow-forts in their hotel room I assume they share and stayed up all night telling ghost stories and then, because they were spooked, the players refused to skate and complicated the matter by hiding for the entire game in the south net, causing the Hawks to play the entire game shorthanded because of penalties every five minutes from the youngsters flipping out and bearhugging onto the goalie in front of them.

Adding to this scenario, Craig Adams and Aaron Johnson were to be healthy scratches because they were waiting in line to buy KANE and TOEWS jerseys for all the guys on the team, but when players found out who Craig Adams is, they spent the entirety of practice looking for his country of origin on a map.

“We’ll look at the tapes and be back here Wednesday ready to play,” said coach Joel Quenneville.

Wait, they were at home?

Wow. Then that’s just weird.

For the bandwagon fan
If you got enough channels to catch this game, also try some women’s tennis. Two words: Ana Ivanovic.

For everybody
Craig Adams is from Brunei. And that’s near Malaysia, just southwest of the Philippines. Not sure they actually have rinks there but it makes the Midwesterner in me feel pretty bad for never learning how to skate.

heckler editorial staff