While Cubs fans were shoveling in negative temperatures or rubbing elbows with Mike Fontenot at the Cubs Convention, the White Sox signed a combined 525 pounds of pitching, avoiding arbitration with closer Bobby Jenks while inking Bartolo Colon to a one-year, incentive-laden deal.

“This is very, very, good news,” said Rickey DeShea, proprietor of the Chicago Ridge Old Country Buffet. “Not only is it great to have fat players in town, but they attract fat fans. It’s a gravy train, so to speak.”


Jenks signed a one-year, $5.6 million contract to remain with the team for which he has saved 117 games in the last three seasons. The two-time All-Star, known affectionately as “Big Bobby,” “Lardass,” and “Hey you, Fatty!” will once again be called upon to anchor the Sox bullpen.


The pick-up of Colon — known affectionately as “Fatolo” and “Hey Tubby!” — was somewhat more unforeseen. Colon already had a stint as a member of the 2003 Sox, a season which will forever be remember as a success to South Siders due to the collapse of the Cubs.


“We’ve been trying to resign Bartolo ever since he got away after ’03,” said GM Kenny Williams. “I really wanted him back, and when I have my mind set on a player I don’t give up — regardless of whether that player is still productive. Just ask Roberto Alomar of Ken Griffey, Jr.”

heckler editorial staff