During a pre-dawn auction run in a dilapidated downstate barn, the Tribune Company was sold to the highest bidder. Reclusive billionaire Sam Zell was the winning bidder.

As the new owner of the Tribune, Zell said he was going to sell one of its crown jewels, the Chicago Cubs, to someone who cared about winning. Much like the Tribune Company, Zell cares only about profits, rather than on-field success of sports teams.

“I bought the Cubs too?” said a bewildered Zell shortly after the speed-talking auctioneer slammed down his gavel. “Didn’t they just commit $300 million to their payroll?”

heckler editorial staff