The supplies store at the Cook County jail will need to put in a new order for Sharpies after the sentencing of the Bears’ Tank Johnson. Inmates at the jail rushed to purchase the markers in hopes of getting an autograph from the NFL star.

“I don’t know what I’m going to have him sign because they don’t allow us to have notebooks in our cells,” said Inmate #2194. “They have some crazy idea that we’ll rig the metal spiral and use it unscrew the lights and crawl up into the ceiling which leads to the roof for an easy escape.┬áMaybe I’ll have him sign my Bible.”

However, not all of the prisoners are looking forward to the 300-pound newcomer. Some consider the enormous Johnson a threat and have begun taking precautions by stashing personal items and making plans to lay low.

“Normally we’d beat up the new guy, but we’re going to give Mr. Johnson whatever he wants,” said inmate #3549, also known as ‘Krazy Death.’ “I’m usually the one running the show around here, but I’m not about to go toe-to-toe with that beast.”

heckler editorial staff