The annual Cook County jail spring football game between the “The Clinks” and the “First and Ten to Twenties” got a little more interesting after the Clinks received the rights to the newest member of the jail, a 6-ft. 3-in., 300 lb. defensive tackle known as “Tank.”

Chicago Bear Tank Johnson will be spending the next few months in the jail and was assigned to The Clinks roster, who have been on the losing end for the last three years.

The Clinks face a tough, aggressive opponent. The First and Ten to Twenties have a versatile offense attack, featuring slashing tailback inmate #7631, who is in for a murder, and gun-slinging quarterback inmate #5085, who was sentenced for a firearms charge.

The Clinks captain, inmate #8564, is ecstatic, saying he was hoping Johnson would receive the jail sentence because The Clinks could use help stopping the run.

“I was worried because I didn’t think the judge would give him jail time,” said inmate #8564, The Clinks’ middle linebacker and defensive captain. “When I heard that he was coming here, I immediately put in a waiver request for the big man. It’s tough trying to stop the run with a two-foot shiv hidden in your pant leg. Now we won’t need shivs because we’ve got the Tank.”

Inmate #8564 added that he hoped Bears kicker Robbie Gould “gets nailed for something serious,” because The Clinks kicker was recently released for good behavior.

heckler editorial staff