One day after Lance Briggs declared he “would never play another down for the Bears again,” the franchise traded Pro Bowler Brian Urlacher to Miami for a conditional draft pick in an effort to appease the disgruntled outside linebacker.

“Urlacher is out,” said Bears GM Jerry Angelo at a Tuesday morning press conference. “Lance wants to be the man, and now that we’ve traded away his more talented teammate, he can be. I just hope [Hunter] Hillenmeyer doesn’t improve too much in the off-season, or else he’ll steal Lance’s thunder, too.”

According to Briggs’ agent, Drew Rosenhaus, the trade was not only successful in changing his client’s mind, it also served another purpose.

“It’s not enough for me to achieve my client’s objectives,” said Rosenhaus. “I like to leave entire franchises ruined in my wake, like the 2005 Eagles for example. With Lance in charge of the Bears defense, they’ll be slower and much less versatile.”

While Briggs has already agreed to play for the Bears in 2008, he has requested the team either minimize the roles of Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson, or get rid of them all together.

“Mark gets a lot of attention for his sacks, and I obviously can’t have that on my team,” said Briggs, who recorded just one sack last season.

“And I’m not about to have the media saying I’m only good because Tommie [expletive deleted] Harris is clogging up the middle for me.”

heckler editorial staff