Since losing Super Bowl XLI, Bears fans have been clamoring for the team to give head coach Lovie Smith a contract extension. General manager Jerry Angelo’s compensation was also not appropriate for the leader of a Super Bowl team. The Bears were taking a beating in the papers, being labeled as a cheap, second-class team. Wednesday they ponied up. Sort of.

The Bears pulled a fast one, however, conning Smith and Angelo into agreeing to non-traditional extensions. Angelo will be paid solely in extension cords, while Smith will be given the rights to a hair extension business.

“They wanted extensions?” said team president Ted Phillips. “Well, now they’ve got them.”

Phillips said Smith’s deal is particularly sweet.

“The hair extension is booming, with stars like Jessica Simpson endorsing the product,” said Phillips. “I think the business we bought for Lovie could be worth far more than the $22 million he was hoping to be paid over the next four years.”

Smith took news of the swindle in stride, displaying his characteristic cool demeanor.

“It’s not the form of compensation I was hoping for,” said Smith while combing over his new company’s annual report. “But I’ve always wanted to be a business owner, so I guess now’s my chance.”

heckler editorial staff