After pitting a bear against a horse, the Lincoln Park Zoo knows who will win the Super Bowl and Bears fans will be happy to hear the news.
From the instant teams were announced, experts ranging from teen-aged Xbox gamers to the statistical gurus with super computers guaranteed a Colts victory. But the staff at the zoo begs to differ.
“We grew tired of hearing baseless predictions,” Zoo official Leland Cavalier said. “So we devised the only accurate way of predicting a Super Bowl outcome: Mascot Battle.”
Claiming a mascot is the true embodiment of the team’s personality and spirit, the zoo pitted a real-life bear versus an actual colt.
Zoo trainers pitted there 850-pound grizzly bear known as Frosty against a pony named Smoochy they borrowed from the children’s petting zoo. The match-up wasn’t close.
With no football to watch until the big game, hundreds of Chicagoans surrounded a makeshift ring where Smoochy didn’t stand a chance. As Frosty tore quickly Smoochy limb from limb, those who witnessed the gory event came away very confident of a Bears victory.
“Now we know the Bears are gonna crush the Colts,” spectator Rick Stubbino said. “I wish I hadn’t brought my kid though. I don’t think he’ll ever stop crying.”
Animal rights activist were surprisingly impressed by the incident.
“It wasn’t that long ago the Lincoln Park Zoo was accidentally killing its animals due to its ineptitude,” said Cathy Cintron, a local PETA representative. “At least this animal’s cruel, bloody death came for the great cause of determining Sunday’s Super Bowl winning will be the mighty, mighty Bears.”