In hopes of keeping his quarterback’s psyche shielded from the boatloads of negative media attention he has received, Bears head coach Lovie Smith has ordered Rex Grossman to be kept in a Halas Hall broom closet.

Beginning today at noon, the team will not allow Grossman to leave the sound-proof room until just before Sunday’s kickoff of their Divisional Playoff game against the Seattle Seahawks.


“Rex is a young, naïve kid. We don’t want him to be exposed to any more negativity of the Chicago media,” Smith said. “He will not be allowed to read the paper, watch TV, use the Internet or listen to the radio.”


Smith called the 10-foot by 10-foot broom closet an “isolation room.” Its sparse features include a bed, chair, lavatory and a tiny window. The quarterback will be monitored via security cameras and fed a steady diet of carbohydrates. A mental health therapist will also be available upon request.


“We’ve customized the room with positive pictures of his glory days at Florida,” Smith said. “We’ve also given him a copy of the playbook, just in case he gets bored.”

heckler editorial staff