First it was new dress codes. Then new rules governing player attire. Now the NBA has decided to cut each period down to five minutes to allow for more in-game entertainment.

“In NBA arenas across the country, we are seeing some of the worst basketball on record,” said Commissioner David Stern. “And with attention spans at an all-time low, we decided to give fans what they want—more dizzy bat races; more shirtless fat guys dancing; and more adults racing tricycles around orange cones.”

While Chicago Bulls management is excited about the added entertainment value, which will allow for a lot more “Bobbling Benny the Bull Time,” Coach Scott Skiles expects more victories to result.

“In the 48-minute game, we come out like a house afire but blow-up late,” Skiles said. “With only 20 minutes of court time, I see the Bens [Gordon and Wallace] cutting down their misses to less than 50 a game, and that’s gotta mean more W’s.”

Bulls forward Mike Sweetney sees nothing but good coming from the additional entertainment.

“Watching the Dunkin’ Donuts race always gets me revved up for the postgame buffet, and the fans really go nuts,” said Sweetney. “Can you imagine if they had that race eight or nine times a night? Man, the fans would blow the roof off this place!”

heckler editorial staff