As the St. Louis Cardinals clinched their first World Series title in 24 years, most Cubs fans spun deeper into the state of depression that has gripped them for decades. Some don’t think they can take it any longer.

“First the White Sox win the Series, now these fat, dirty, Bud-swilling Cardinals fans get to celebrate a World Championship,” said Chad Markwick, a 35-year-old investment banker. “It almost makes you want to puke.”

Those Cubs fans who gathered the strength to watch the Cardinals clinch their first World Series since 1982 were dismayed by the result. Perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt so badly had the Cubs not compiled the worst record in the NL as the franchise crawls toward the 100-year mark since its last title.

Lifelong fans of all ages are contemplating giving up their allegiance.

“I was there in ’69 and ’84,” said Janice Wade, 55, of Glenview. “At least we didn’t have to watch the Cardinals or White Sox win it all those years. Those fat idiot Cards fans don’t deserve this.”

Wade said that despite the sad state of affairs on the North Side, she will continue to renew her pair of upper deck season tickets that average $45 a game because she loves Wrigley Field and is afraid that if she gives up her tickets, she may “miss something.”

“My dad took me to NLCS Game 6 in 2003,” said 14-year-old Lincoln Park High School student Frankie Johnson. “I thought that was as bad as it could get, but then the White Sox win it all and now those stupid Cardinals fans get a title. I’m wondering if the Cubs will ever win one in my lifetime.”

heckler editorial staff