The Cubs today shocked no one by naming Lou Piniella as their new manager, replacing Dusty Baker. Cubs GM Jim Hendry heralded Piniella and his three-year contract, saying it might just be the Cubs’ move of the off-season. In fact, Hendry said it was the Cubs’ only move of the off-season.

“Today we’ve hired a Hall of Fame-caliber manager, and any time you bring a Hall of Famer into the organization, you’ve had a great off-season,” said Hendry. “So great, that I’ve decided to pack it up for the winter.”

Piniella wasn’t thrilled Hendry wouldn’t be spending any time or money to improve a Cubs team that slumped its way to an NL-worst 66-96 record in 2006.

“Right before I signed the contract, Jim told me he was going to get me a better team, maybe even Alex Rodriguez,” said Piniella. “Next thing I know he’s snatching the pen out of my hand and cackling. I guess I could be mad about that, but at $3 million a year, who am I to judge?”

About Lou Piniella
– Eats a delicious base for breakfast every day during the season.
– Middle name is Margaret.
– Was 1969 AL rookie of the year for the now defunct Kansas City Royals.
Didn’t wear pants while broadcasting American League playoff games for FOX.
– Yankees’ career leader in facial stubble.
– Fired by the Yankees in 1988 after a barroom brawl with George Costanza, the team’s assistant to the traveling secretary at the time.
– Lou is short for Loudmouthtempermentalsortofdecentmanager.
– Was originally Mr. October until Reggie Jackson won the nickname from him in rock/paper/scissors.

heckler editorial staff