The Cubs announced Monday that Dusty Baker would not be back to manage the team in 2007, but said they didn’t have to look far to find someone with a better knowledge of the game and the ability to handle the pressure of managing in a major sports town.

Just minutes after the noon CST announcement, Dusty’s seven-year-old son, Darren Baker, was named the team’s interim manager.

“I’m just not going to tolerate any [expletive deleted] on this team,” the surprisingly foul-mouthed young Baker said. “My first move in the off season will be to locate all of Neifi Perez’s illegitimate children, and immediately sign them to long term contracts.”

Darren vowed not to make the same mistakes as Dusty during his tenure with the team, saying he would leave all relief pitchers in longer than one-third of an inning and not leave pitchers in to hit for themselves only to take them out of the game before they throw in the next half-inning.

The seven-year-old also said that, unlike his father, he would not be using any asinine platoons, sticking with really bad closers, constantly changing the lineup, or forgetting to fill in for injured players.

He then closed his press conference by saying “Anyone who sends racist hate mail to me has purchased himself one mother [expletive deleted] roundhouse to the hanging moneymaker.”

Many reporters asked Dusty if he shared any words of wisdom with his son.

“I told him never to take the blame for anything, always talk about how good you used to be, speak in nonsensical riddles at all times, and complain about the city whenever possible.”

heckler editorial staff