Seattle Seahawks running back Shaun Alexander proclaimed a miracle Tuesday, saying his injured foot had been healed, simply by prayer. Later that day, his prayers were met by thousands of others from Bears fans who were wishing Alexander wouldn’t be able to play, leaving God a tough choice to make prior to Alexander’s CT scan on Wednesday.

“Shaun told me he wanted to play on Sunday versus the Bears. He had asked me to cure his left foot,” God said. “I had started performing the miracle when I was overwhelmed by prayers from Chicago.”

God was also aware of Alexander’s head coach’s statement Wednesday. Mike Holmgren told the team’s leading rusher that he would not play if tests showed his foot was still cracked. The Lord knew He had a difficult choice to make by the time the tests took place Wednesday.

“While I respect the league’s MVP and his accomplishments, there were just too many prayers coming from Bears fans. I believe in Democracy,” God said. “I stopped the miracle in mid-marvel and left the crack in his foot.”

When asked if He had plans to influence the score on Sunday’s game, God explained that it wasn’t His place.

“I have already chosen who will win the Super Bowls for the next 50 years. However, to use my great powers for a meaningless game in September would be silly. I probably won’t even watch because Jim Morrison is playing an acoustic show at Purgatory Plaza Sunday night.”

heckler editorial staff