Since he went on the disabled list in mid-June, Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood has been trying to stay out of the public eye. That low profile came to an abrupt end last weekend, however, when Wood, who has ballooned to nearly 300 pounds, was kicked out of a suburban Old Country Buffet.

After knocking down and injuring 87-year-old Thomas Halloway en route to the ice cream bar, Wood was forced out of the “all you can eat” restaurant by the manager and several cooks.

Angered by his removal, the Cubs righty swung a ladle covered in mashed potatoes violently at the staff. He was unable to hit anyone, as his accuracy isn’t what it used to be.

“I felt a twinge in my arm,” said Wood. “Or maybe it was more of a strain. Either way, I could have used a second batch of dessert.”

Halloway, a World War II veteran, plans to sue Wood for injuries received during the incident. In his defense, the Cubs pitcher downplayed the situation.

“There have been ball players that were addicted to drugs, sex and alcohol,” he said. “I just really, really like huge helpings of popcorn shrimp. Is that so bad?”

heckler editorial staff