With their team’s lead in the AL Central dwindling daily, Detroit Tigers fans will probably not react well to the acquisition of Neifi Perez, say city officials.

“They’re going to set some [expletive deleted] on fire, that’s for sure,” said Detroit mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick. “My staff tells me Perez has college-level talent. Apparently the guy we traded to the Cubs for him is already dominating Single-A.”

That guy is minor leaguer Chris Robinson, recently named the best defensive catcher in the Tigers organization. According to General Motors machinist and longtime Tigers fan Mark Williams, Robinson had a bright future with the club—unlike Perez, who “sucks worse than a Toyota.”

“I think I’ll start with some overturned cars,” said Williams, of the havoc he plans to wreak. “Then downtown is going to burn. Hopefully we can find a paint store or some kind of rubber factory.”

heckler editorial staff