Conceding that their farm system is incapable of producing anything of value in baseball terms, the Cubs have sold the entire system to ConAgra, the North American behemoth food production company, who will turn the operation into a working farm.

“We’re tired of pouring money into this when we have nothing more to show for it than the likes of Bobby Hill and Hee Seop Choi,” said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “We’ve produced manure and ConAgra will produce things that suit their purpose, much like
a delicious Healthy Choice ready-to-eat meal.”

Insiders say the deal took shape after spring training, when it became obvious the farm system had failed again to produce a quality position player. Since Mark Grace joined the Cubs in 1988, the farm system has had 18 consecutive years without yielding an everyday star.

Terms were not disclosed, but as part of the deal the Cubs have agreed to assign to ConAgra the rights to Roberto Novoa and Michael Wuertz, who will begin new careers as farmhands.

“This is a good move for both guys,” said Hendry about Novoa and Wuertz. “It’s clear they aren’t meant to be ballplayers.”

ConAgra CEO Gary Rodkin expressed confidence his company could succeed where Cubs’ management has failed.

“The Cubs farm system is too valuable to not have produced more,” said Rodkin. “If we can turn a beat-up pigeon into a succulent Butterball turkey, we definitely can turn a five-tool first round draft pick into an everyday Major League center fielder.”

heckler editorial staff