Bears fans with Super Bowl hopes were able to take a sigh of relief after Friday night’s 24-3 spanking of the Chargers. Unlike the previous preseason game, both the defense and quarterback Rex Grossman actually seemed like they were familiar with the game of football.

Head coach Lovie Smith said the preseason win was meaningless and was just glad to finish the game with no injuries.

“Every time Rex took a snap, I thought he was going to jam a finger,” said Smith. “Whenever he dropped back to pass, I thought he was going to throw his arm out. I even panicked when I saw him heading toward the Gatorade with no helmet on.”

All-World linebacker Brian Urlacher set the tone early after he intercepted an errant Philip Rivers pass and returned it 64 yards for a touchdown. The defense continued to punish the Chargers offense for the rest of the evening, allowing just a field goal.

Smith wasn’t the only one concerned about the frail Grossman.

“When I picked off the ball and went racing down our sideline toward the end zone I didn’t want to go too fast,” said Urlacher. “I was afraid Grossman would pull a ligament in his neck while he watched me run by.”

While Grossman did his part by staying in one piece, back-up quarterback Brian Griese continued to shine, throwing the only offensive touchdown before giving way to third-stringer Kyle Orton.

“It makes me sick to have to stand on the sideline while Grossman throws into double coverage,” said Griese after watching Grossman throw an interception. “The bright side for me is that it’s only a matter of time before he gets hurt and I take over as the number one.”

Number of the night: 100
Percent of fans whose friends think they’re stupid for sitting through a rainstorm during a preseason game.

heckler editorial staff