“I want to tell all you hayseeds, rubes and country bumpkins from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am for casting a pall upon your miserable moonshine drinking, roto-tilling, cow-tipping lives,” said Pelini.
"Man, I've got this killer Sociology final coming up that I've been totally stressing over," said Martinez, who threw two picks in the losing effort.
In response to a very boring year and Northwestern being relevant for the Rose Bowl, Big Ten Football has announced a name change for their Leaders and Legends Divisions: the Lousy and Lackluster Divisions.
"And you know what?" he yelled to his rapt audience. "We're plenty good enough to be in the Big Ten. We've got a lot of smart folks at this school. To the rest of the world, that 'N' on our helmets may stand for Nebraska. To us, it stands for 'nowledge.'"