Blackhawks

After an exciting overtime victory over the Stars improved their record to 4-0-0 Thursday night -- which marks the team's best start since the 1972-1973 season -- the Blackhawks are now projected by most analysts to finish the season with an undefeated 48-0-0 record. While doing so, they will also make sure that no child has to go to bed hungry ever again.

Suspicions were confirmed during a recent game, when Hossa scurried over a glass wall and into the penalty box without opening the door.

“Most owners like the deal because stadiums will already be full. Players like it because they get paid to do one-third of the work,” said mediator Ron Carter. “And Commissioner Bettman is ecstatic because it abolishes all Canadian teams except for one.”

"Oh, I plan to be a lot more diligent with the Rogaine," said Bettman, who suffers from male pattern baldness. "I also want to spend more time watching basketball, hope to lose 10 pounds and no matter what happens -- I will nap at least five hours a day in 2013."

"Mr. Kane was not the only one on the hill," a police spokesman said. "But he was the easiest to catch as he had never skied before."

“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”

"Before the transplant I was always doubting myself and being kind of a wuss," said Benson. "But now that I have this thick, lustrous mustache, I can do anything! It's only been on my face two days, and I've already demanded a promotion and had sex with the hottest woman in the office."